I’m going to need a lot of strength and patience to get thru the next few days. My aunt’s death has hit me much harder than I realized at first – it’s not so much the act of death as much as the fact that I literally and truly watched her die and then be brought back Tues in the middle of the night. And then to think she is on the mend and simply go to sleep forever. She meant the world to Becca – she cared for her for almost two years, and I have harbored a lot of feelings during the recent B.S. our family has been thru. Partly yes I do blame my aunt, but mostly, it is the monster she created and I can not hold her totally and solely at fault for that.
I don’t know how tommorow and Tues will go – if I will fall apart, if others will, if my cousin will stir the pot to cause trouble as he attempted to do at his own mother’s bedside at 3 am the other night, or if Robert can manage to hold his tounge (talk about feeling ill will, but it is justified on his part). I do know he will be supportive of me, and that means a lot, he has been a rock to me all week long, and very understanding of my mixed up emotions.
Matthew has asked to attend the family viewing as well as the funeral, and while I will not take Becca to any formal parts of these next few days, the plan is to allow her to go to the funeral home with us tommorow afternoon, I’ve talked a lot with her about death and giving her the time to say goodbye seems the right thing to do, despite her age. I know not everyone will agree with me, but I can only base this choice on my own circumstances.
I’m very grateful to everyone for their support, their prayers and positive thoughts. To those who have helped in other, more tangible ways like offering to help with arrangements, or the kids, I am truly grateful to you. Though most times I feel like I have honestly very few friends, it is at times like these you realize you have more lights in your life than you recognize on a daily basis.